someday i always think what im going to be, with my life i have now were just almost parrallel to darkness rather than brightness. Nevertheless at some point, i dont get used with these. Like i dont have strenght to continue this damn complicated life. i dont have guts to get away from being stuck. i never know that all this time being i've been living with this pain for almost decades. Thought that i've run so far, but the fact is that i still living with pains and dealing with it everydays and every seconds.
I dont use easy tracks to forget my pain. Flirting around, play others heart just to make me feel better, thats just not me. i dont into flirting with someone and just think of them as a person that i can use or like as an excuse for me to replace my pains. It took years to recover after deep broken hearted actually. maybe im just a bad company for my partner, thats why i was just an easily type to play with, i thought last night? but well, i dont mind. To me its doesnt matter if they wanted to cheat on me. God knows best, i'll be reply for good oneday. but from out of all, all i want from them is just dont hurt me so much until i cant barely hold. This is still not hurtful. really if you still want to flirt, cheat or whatever you can call that is, i still can hold it. its okay, i'll get used with it. i'll be patient.. i'll be good.. perhaps im just not like what you expect, its okay i can understand that. :)
i thought to myself, sometimes im afraid to fall, afraid to get stuck with love life again, afraid to get invovled with love again, afraid of what will my life be next. However i dont know how come im not afraid to get hurt and broken. Instead, im more afraid if i hurt my partner's feelings. im afraid if i'd made her hurt. im afraid if im was the one who caused her deep scars inside her again. im afraid if she refuses to believe in everything again. im afraid if i accidently break her heart. im just afraid if that happens. i dont want to hurt her, dont even want to break her hurt. cause she already suffer alot. Im so sorry if i have hurt you before and now. Do i ever hurt you? if i did, please forgive me. maybe i've missed up. im sorry if im not like what you want.. im sorry if im not like in your dreams.. im sorry if i cant make you happy much.. and im just truly sorry if im not good enough for you to have.
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