varies faces of mine

season centre point view

College Eid Celebration 2011

Selamat Hari Raya

berlalu sudah sebulan berpuasa kini tiba syawal datang, marilah bersama ikhlaskan hati menghulurkan kedua belah tangan bersalam-salaman meminta keampunan dan mengampunkan sesama kita. ingin juga saya mengambil kesempatan mengucapkan selamat hari raya kepada umat islam seluruh dunia. Tidak di lupakan kepada keluarga, pohon maaf di pinta jika tesilap tutur bahasa zahir dan batin..

Maktab kejuruteraan Jefri Bolkiah

hei, its been so long.. :) ohh well, ive been moving to Maktab Kejuruteraan Jefri bolkiah since 1st july already. which my course is Computer studies Pnd/11. had lots of friendly friends here espiacially in my classroom computer Lab 8. i am the assistant representative student bytheway, yeaay =.='? heeh. think thats all. this school were just fine and awesome to me. with Love <3

Thank you for always making me

why do this face always smile whenever i think of her? maybe im insane or whatever? cause i just find my self like crazy when i smile without reasons. GAGS! you know living on the same roof with you for three days were just the moment that i cant ever forget. The way you treat me right, the way you hold my hands tight, the way you make me fall to sleep. its just something that i always adored. To me, all those beautiful memories still lingered with the smell of your perfume in my body. i wondered to my self, how come did her make me smile without reasons? how come i laughed without even her telling me jokes? its just so funny. but the most touching part is that, how come youre so willing to come to my place when you know that youre really tired and willing to do all those stuffs just for me? i was so pleased by that, really im just so touched by you. thank you for always wanting to do things that can make me smile. youre my speaciality. i really appreciates your sinceres for doing that stuffs, thank you so much.. i still remembered the first time you said " me sayang kan you " thats was just the moment that i cant ever forget, like Gosh! i was so speechless until i forget what i wanna say to you. like it was a moment that ive been waiting so long until you said that words to me and even in a sweet way. seriously, you did make me melt. awwhh hehe! the next beautiful moment that i cant forget is that when i had one day with you, bring you to all of my favourite place to go and its just so fun that time. we laughed so much and yeahh.. how i wished to stop the time so i can be with you until dawn or whatever.. i felt more secure now, and i felt more belonged to you. even though you still didnt trust me that much. but yeah... i will always remembered you and the times we had together. and i already missing you now. :) Thank you for always making me smile, Thank you for always care for me, Thank you for always smiling whenever youre with me, but the most important thing now is Thank you for making me speacial. :)

my poems II

maybe im just so stupid for being this way.

i was so stupid for believing that your feelings to me is real, when the real fact is youre not.

im just so upset when you said to me im a liar,
when the truth is that i lied,
just because of i dont want you to get hurt.
im not lying i just dont want to let you know.

if i tell you that im hurt,
will you still treat me like you used to before?

everytime i want to go far away from your sight,
my heart hurts slowly.

im strong and you should know that,
dont worry about me.
just go with you own life,
and leave me behind alone.

im having broken heart now,
but yet no one knows that.

if you think your a good person,
then please treat me like a good one too?

what do you expect from me?

i need to slow down,
so that i can regenerate my self from getting hurt more and more.

i thought that smilling would heal and washed away all my pains,
i thought that pretending would made people think im just a happy-go-lucky type.
i thought that laughing would made me forget my misery,
but all i can feel is its kept on growing more faster a i kept on doing that,
and its hurts so bad.

it doesnt matter if i have to be this way all the time,
but couldnt you at least appreciates me someday?

im having a sympthoms of a broken hearted girl.

if i tell people what i've been stressing up with,
theyre just going to answer " be patient "
i rather kept it with me instead.

slowly i find my self lost.

and if you dont want to try at all,
please dont give me hope when theres none at all.

even though giving up seems to be the easiest words,
but the truth is that,
it is the most hardest part out of all.

dont change yourself, go change you company.

if love doesnt reply,
just be happy and forget your pain.
cause its okay, one day you will get happiness.
if its not now the future will do.
" patient "

if you know how to deal with patient,
then you'd know how to deal with a real drama.

you will be ready when the time has come.

i know how the feeling of beingf alone.
i know how the feeling of being hurt.

being hurt is common to me.

i'll get used with hurting world starting from today.

why do you have to make me fall,
if at the end you will end up dumping me?

its rather to be alone,
than to be with a bad company.

people care for you.
people wants to be with you.
people wants to have your heart,
but you never give back.
cause youre just too afraid to get involving in love again.

i wish you can tell me whats with your life,
so i can be a good listener and less your burden.

i wish i can be there with you,
fills the emptiness along with laughter and smiles.
so you wont feel the pain alone.

if youre afraid,
i can be there accompany you.
i will make you fall to sleep,
as long as you can feel better.

if im not here anymore,
i will kept the lights on,
and my shadows will always be there with you.

its funny how life never turns out the way you think it will.

although youre my dreams,
but you cant never be my reality.

i had a dream that i cant ever be able to fulfill forever.

if we meet tomorro,
will there be spaces for me in your heart?
if we meet tomorro,
will there be a time for me to love you,
so i can kept this heart for you forever?


and i realized it was only just a dream.

i always missed you,
and im hoping that youres feeling the same way too.

sorry if im not good enough

someday i always think what im going to be, with my life i have now were just almost parrallel to darkness rather than brightness. Nevertheless at some point, i dont get used with these. Like i dont have strenght to continue this damn complicated life. i dont have guts to get away from being stuck. i never know that all this time being i've been living with this pain for almost decades. Thought that i've run so far, but the fact is that i still living with pains and dealing with it everydays and every seconds.
I dont use easy tracks to forget my pain. Flirting around, play others heart just to make me feel better, thats just not me. i dont into flirting with someone and just think of them as a person that i can use or like as an excuse for me to replace my pains. It took years to recover after deep broken hearted actually. maybe im just a bad company for my partner, thats why i was just an easily type to play with, i thought last night? but well, i dont mind. To me its doesnt matter if they wanted to cheat on me. God knows best, i'll be reply for good oneday. but from out of all, all i want from them is just dont hurt me so much until i cant barely hold. This is still not hurtful. really if you still want to flirt, cheat or whatever you can call that is, i still can hold it. its okay, i'll get used with it. i'll be patient.. i'll be good.. perhaps im just not like what you expect, its okay i can understand that. :)
i thought to myself, sometimes im afraid to fall, afraid to get stuck with love life again, afraid to get invovled with love again, afraid of what will my life be next. However i dont know how come im not afraid to get hurt and broken. Instead, im more afraid if i hurt my partner's feelings. im afraid if i'd made her hurt. im afraid if im was the one who caused her deep scars inside her again. im afraid if she refuses to believe in everything again. im afraid if i accidently break her heart. im just afraid if that happens. i dont want to hurt her, dont even want to break her hurt. cause she already suffer alot. Im so sorry if i have hurt you before and now. Do i ever hurt you? if i did, please forgive me. maybe i've missed up. im sorry if im not like what you want.. im sorry if im not like in your dreams.. im sorry if i cant make you happy much.. and im just truly sorry if im not good enough for you to have.

happy with my heart

Actually happy with my heart means of you to me, cause i made my self smile through make you smiles. :) emm.. theres a day when i always said to myself that i wont cry infront of her as she told me that she never like to see me cried. theres a day when i always said that i wont be annoying like a five-years old child. theres a day when i always said to my self that never let her see your pain. theres a day when i said to my self that dont hope too much on her. theres a day when i said to my self i dont mind of being hurt. theres a day that i said to my self that i would change my bad habits for you. theres a day that i said to my self that i will study hard for you. theres a day when i said to my self that i will learn to be a good person from now on.
because i dont mind for doing it all for you, maybe im not that good enough for you. i know that im just a ordinary girl who always make you angry or something? im sorry for being annoying this time. i thought that would make you laugh, but the fact is that its just make you distrubed. im sorry for always called you at the middle of the night, i thought that'd be sweet talking on the phone until mid-night, but the fact is that its just make you boring. im sorry for always asking you to come here, i thought that you come here due to you miss to meet me, but the fact is that youre just fulfill your promised. but no matter what, i never care cause to me at least i get to met you, at least i get to talk with you, at least i get to.... :).
im sorry i never tell this to you,i never mean to lie. im just afraid that if i do tell you, you'd felt guilty and will leave me so that i wont do those stuffs just for you anymore. im just afraid that you'd leave me and i just dont know what else to do. i dont know how to figure my way out if you leave me. maybe im just crazy or insane for being this way. funny? :')
im not sad and i never feel sad upon this. thus i never care for treated this way.. cause to me its okay though. for me youre just too Good enough for me, even if i cant have you but at least i can feel the care you shares with and its more than enough already.. sometimes i im just thinking about how come God made us meet? and maybe there's a reason why behind from that. so as i always said we just go with the flow starting from now, dont force our heart to love. because if we force thats not love we called. :) i care for you and you care for me.. thats enough for me already.. just dont forget me if you find your happiness oneday okay? :) i always prayed for your happiness, and i do hope one day you your dreams comes true. so yeeah.. hehe.. and as for me? well, no worries.. im fine with my own life like this, so yeah.........get to go, i'll continue next time.. ^^

begging you to go away, pains.

This heart never seems gonna heal.
This scars never seems gonna wound.
This pains never seems gonna stop.
This life never seems gonna smile.

Life, i wish you cpuld understand me alittle..
all i want is to be happy like everyone else.
leaving this and that behind.

i dont wanna want to be a sad person anymore.
i just couldnt bare to hold it alone.
please, im begging you to go away..

am i this pathetic much?

i hate this emotions.
why do it kept on hauting me?
why do it kept on pushing me?
why di it kept on hurting me?

couldnt it at least stopped for a while?
please.. im begging ypu.. please go away..
sighh..

True appreciation

They live in my heart, i breathe through their souls. without them l'd die with sorrow.. may my name will always be buried in their mind. Family that i wont ever get to buy with any golds and pearls.. the one whom always encouraged me to live stronger , better and longer.

She, a kind of women that no one can ever replaced. The one who carried me nine months before with alots of pain and obstackles which never i can ever pay back. The one who feed me with her hardworking all the years goes. The one who never ask me to reply her kind. The one who just want me to sucess and made her smile at the end. Thank you for always there for me. because you are the reasons i, still breathing, writting, walking, and living now. Mom :)

Him, the one who always waited and picked me up at school no matter how late i am. The one who used to carried me to bed when im sleeping at the living room alone. The one who always defended me infront of my mom. the one who always stay quiet but at some point he was so really worried. thank you for always been there for me, Dad :)

Them, the kind of them who always punched me. The one of them who always pulled my hair and stick bubblegum at it. The one who always bullied me whenever mom's not home. The ones who always pushed me up whenever im down. The ones who always scolded me whenever i do stupid thimgs. The ones who always persuaded me to go back home when mom's mad. Thanks for always me see life in better way and made me brave, sisters :)

Thank you for making me strong no matter how hard it is to face life. Thank you for making me smile onwards. Thank you for waiting me in the cold nor hot day. Thank you for listening. Thank you fo giving me birth. Thank you for the life im living now. i may not know how much your love to me. But one thing for sure i know. That if i gone oneday you'll be missing me.. for me, i can feel the love you has for me. Love that has no words to say and its been always live in my heart.. Thank you for everything.. its a true appreciation from the bottom of my heart for you guys. really.. thank you :)

I love you....

pain

i keep on asking myself.. what happened to you lately? whats wrong with yourself? wheres you mind now? i wish someone can tell me whats wrong with my mind. so that i wont get lost and also confused. i tried not to go along with the pain. but it keep on bothering me like wherever i go it keep on questioning me. and the most painful thing is that, even one simple question i didnt know what to answer.. isnt that crazy? currently i face so many difficulties in life. so hard you know, and its even hard to face it alone.. but what to do. i do have alots of friends. so yeaah.. i should be strong.. i mean, i really should. :)

i am not pretending

Goshh.. people. its been nearly a month. Ohh sighh.. how long am i going to heal this pain? months? or years perhaps? Ohh.. what's up with this life. Is that really funny to see me upside-down just beacause of love? am i nuts or something. How frustrasting. I want to wake up from this nightmare along. please let me woke-up soon, i really cant stand this. I thought i'd have lots of friends with me to lean on, even if i didn't tell the reasons but at least their appearanced already make me feel relieved as if one burden were already forgetted. Emm.. i know this friend whom always encouraged me to stand up again and make me forget about my old. which was surprising to me. well, i really adored this friend so much. Thank you for making me forget about my old even though it's just for a while. because now that you arent here, loneliness always conquered me. so yeaah.. i felt, hmm. i dont know.. i should have know that hapiness doesnt belonged to me at the first place. so yeaah.. i will smile guys, and laughed like i used to. dont you have to feel bad or sorry to me. i can handle them myself. i am way too strong enough to bare. im not a kid anymore so yeaah.. when youre down i will make you up and be there for you if you need me. i will keep your tears dry and make you forget about those things even if you can't. i'd at least try to make you smile again. i will make you feel like nothing's happened. i will make you guys happy because i know i will smile whenever i see you guys smile.. my pain? haha. well, by smiling i can already forget those things. even if its just a fake. dont mind about the fake, its just for awhile. oneday you'll see the real one. anyway i lied for telling you that i couldn't bare it alone earlier.. i lied to you that i needed friends to lean on. the truth is i dont need a friend. because i just dont need. dont make youreself get busy if it's just because of me. haha. its so useless. haha. okay. i think thats for now. I will share again with you next time. :) hei remember this, i can handle it myself. so dont worry me. just take care of your self and loads of smile..

im so down

i am so down. what should i do? what kind of person i am actually. why do i always feel this kind of things. i feel sick of being hurt like this. this pain i kept inside really make me suffer lots. how i wish to tell and share with you guys about her.. sigh. i guess im too greedy.. thats why i always got punished. Thanks to my very dear bestfriend, which is you bloggg! for always letting me write about this devastated feelings inside. although its just alittle, but i feel relieved.. sighh. whats with my life? ;]

i leave my sadness alone

ohh.. hello. :)
it's me again. haha.. <3 okay.. what to share this time.. ermm.. hei remembered that time i used to be sad cus of something? guess what, now? i dont. haa. i lied.. lol.. ahh. to be honest, i am more devastated than before. because i just can't believed it happened again. however, thank God this time i made a right decision to take my leave first. ohh, yeah. i am not trying to go back to my sadness time again, but im just sharing with you about how i feel that time. emm. truly, at the first day of leaving really like? im so lost. although i have bunch of friends with me that time. i still felt cold inside. which aching my heart so much. i wish to share with peoples about it, but i just dont want to give burden to my dear friends, yet also dont want to trouble them with my business. so yeah by then, i rather keep in it with myself. to fake a smile from outside really suffering me. Gosh, really.. like if just i can put a smily mask with me. i'd be so thankful. Lol. as day by day pass by, i finally like okaay lah.. you know, just tried to accept the fact and leave the sadness alone. what's the point of thinking about something which doesn't worth. what's the point of putting hope on something that won't come back. So i decided to leave my sadness alone for now. not behind , not in the pass but alone. " i leave my sadness alone "

january ends

helo back blogger !
awhh. well, nothing much happened nowadays.. its just me like as usual sitting, drinking, chatting and enjoying my day by myself. you know recently my life is getting so much better. but not really that " better " but yeaah.. what a life. ignored me people. im just mumbling about crap right here. haha. ohh yeahh.here's some pictures of my niece batrisya. it's shot by me. so enjoyed them. :)

when heart asks too many questions

when this mind tells me to stop. i was like completely lose this healthy mind. as if i felt like this heart just stopped from pounding or something. everything turns out wrong to me.. i wished to stop.. i really cant bare this all alone. i never felt your sincere eversince im with you. Does he really want me as bad as i want him? why is that question always stuck on my mind. i always tried to make myself trust you again, but why you never statisfied and even didn't believed in me.. is this how the true relationship goes? i dont know. and why the hell should i know anymore..